We have known each other for more than 22 years now, longer and more intimately than I have known anyone other than my closest family. We've seen each other at our best and at our worst and still I can't help hating you. You have given me a lot, but never a break.

I have learned a lot from you, it's true. You've taught me discipline and the importance of routine. You've shown me the joy that comes from restraint and followed by moments of indulgence. Nothing tastes better than chocolate cake the one or two times a year that I can eat it. But has it been worth it? Food is always a struggle and you always show me when you are in control; eating is never casual. Everything on my plate is measured and counted, every carrot, every bite of pasta, every snack. I love almonds and thank goodness you do too; if you didn't, I would have wasted away. But you've also shown me that hunger isn't the only thing in charge. Sometimes I have to eat just to make sure you are satisfied. Control is important, but goddamn, not the only thing. Freedom is precious, too, and never have I seen that as clearly as I do through you.

But even as I have learned to give up the need to be in charge, you have shown me that I also need to give up my need to be in control. Sometimes you just make things hard. I eat as I'm told, test my blood sugar til my fingers are calloused, exercise and medicate and still sometimes I can barely wake up because my blood sugar is too low, or can barely eat because of the nausea you bring from high blood sugar. Unpredictability is the name of the game more and more the longer we live together. Resentment? Of course.

Still, I am hopeful. I will live to old age and be healthy because I do take care of both of us. I love the three peanut butter cups I got to eat this morning because my blood sugar was low. I am blessed to live in a time that medical science has created drugs that allow me to keep my kidneys functional and use an insulin pump to get closer to having a functional pancreas than ever before. I could even see a cure someday (but I'll never forget you).

So let's be friends still. Even though you're not always kind and I'm not always a good listener. We'll have our disagreements for sure (lemon bars? potato chips? I mean, come on.) but I think we can keep working together. So here's to an A1C of 6.7 for many months to come!

Love,

Yours Truly.